Take for example Friend A who’s given it all in a relationship which appears to be one-way. She was the one who broke it off but now she wants to take it back, reasoning out that she can never live without him. We try to tell her that “God will send you someone better in his own time” even though we know it’s an exercise in futility putting some sense into the head of someone who is in love, blinded and absolutely hurting. She will heal for certain but now our challenge is to dissuade her from further calling/chasing her ex-boyfriend in a language (or even sign language) she can understand.

Friend B, on the other hand, asks me: “Do you think he will still call? I tried calling him but he won’t answer the phone” two weeks after her guy disappears into thin air. I try to tell her “surely, you’ve been through worse things before.” What I really mean to tell her is this: “well, what can you expect from a married man especially after his wife has found out about the whole thing? You’re beautiful and there’s no use wasting your life on something that was bound to fail. ” I just hope Friend B realizes in due time.

The truth is: break-ups bring out the worst, most hapless and desperate among all us but it can also bring out the best in us, if we are able to look deep into ourselves and take stock of the situation. After a decade of dealing with break-ups (including spray-painting an ex’s gray car with yellow, hehe), here are some survival tips for dummies. Share yours too.

- Resist the urge to call, text or email. If the other person is still hots for you, he will communicate. Supposing you reconcile just because you took the initiative, are you sure it won’t bring you back to the same old cycle? So resist.

- Avoid songs, objects and places which remind you of him. You don’t want to go crazy just thinking about all these things.

- Psyche yourself up. Stop making excuses for your lost love, like how he did this and how he did that. Focus on his negative qualities instead, like how life could be much better now without that snorer/Scrooge/slob!

- Go ahead, vent it out. It pays to share your unhappy feelings with your army of friends, just as long as they don’t make the situation worse than it is now by giving adverse opinions.

- Train your sights somewhere. Now is the time to notice the dude you’ve been ignoring for ages, take a new class, go out and meet more people. Think that he is just one guy in this world of a billion men and other men could be much better.

- Let go and just let it be. It sounds so cliche but it’s true. Life is unfolding as it should and if that someone is really meant for you, you will be together.

Break up, then make up your life. Gather enough strength to muster enough self-confidence after wallowing in self-pity for so long.There is nothing more exciting than the challenge of moving on. It always happens that four years, ten years down the line, you will laugh at the whole experience and say “how crazy I was then and he didn’t deserve much of it.” Believe that time gives you enlightenment and maturity; things will always get better

The other day, reader Jonnie left a comment here to unload his problem. Being a frustrated advice columnist, I now deal with his dilemma in this post. If you were in the situation, how would you act too? Here goes:

Jonnie: Hi I made the misstake and I cheated on my wife we keep trying to work it out but she is having a very hard time forgiving me, I came to her with this and told her what I had done, Now the woman I had been with will not leave me alone she says I belong to her and I started this and we belong together I have done everything i can But this woman keeps showing up and tracking me down, And I don’t have the heart to tell my wife and hurt her any more then what i have done, Can you help?

Ajay: Hi Jonnie. What a predicament you’re in. Looks like you’re suffering from the “Fatal Attraction” syndrome. Perhaps you are now painfully finding out that we can’t always get away with our past pitfalls; sometimes, it will be there to hound us at such a great price. What you must do now is to deal with it like a man, such as what you did in admitting your infidelity to your wife; to face the music and settle the score between the two women in your life.

Infidelity kills and hurts all parties. People who fall into temptation entertain the illusion that they will not be found out, especially as they mean it to be fleeting anyway. But it affects everyone more than we can imagine: the wife or the husband who waits till the wee hours of the morning; the children; and the mistress who wishes at the back of her head that things will change and she will no longer be the secondary woman.

Obviously, the person you’ve chosen to have an affair with Jonnie is in the latter mode. What you must do is to talk to her once and for all while taking care not to let her feel more scorned than she is now. Be firm in your avowal to end things but still be prepared for the worst. If she threatens to end her life, accept her bluff. Hopefully she will tire in bugging you and finally move on with her life. At worst, she will not stop pestering you and the wife will find out. How you will act is not something I can teach you like a DIY tutorial, you will have to deal with it instinctively, depending on the situation at hand.

As for the wife, you’ve told her the worst and anything more will no longer shock her. Your more urgent problem with her seems to be the fact that she has a hard time forgiving you. The trust has been broken, but hopefully not irrevocably. Perhaps you can go into counselling together; perhaps it is important that you woo your wife all over again and make her feel that she is now and forever the only woman in your life Take her out of town, take her to dinner and give her loads of shopping money. If she’s good and has taken to heart your vows to be in it together for better or for worst, she will forget it and forgive you.

Good luck.

Like Julia Roberts’ character Maggie Carpenter in Runaway Bride, my friend Ron is a runaway groom – two times over.

Twice, he mustered enough courage to propose to his two serious girlfriends and twice he called the engagement off – naturally with heartbreaking results.

Ron’s first engagement was to his officemate Tina. They were on-and-off for six years. Ron proposed to her during one of their “off” moments.

“We were having dinner at Mario’s and I thought the timing was perfect. All along, I had in my pocket an engagement ring which I was dying to give her. It cost P18,000. I was really expecting bells to ring and angels to fly but none came. Nonetheless, I popped the question and she said yes,” Ron related.

“The next day, we already tried making arrangements. We made an appointment for Discovery Weekend because I really wanted us to go through that getting-to-know each other Catholic seminar. We were scheduled to be married in June 2000 but we were told that they could book us for August yet. We were put on the waiting list and that got me to thinking that maybe, we don’t have to rush into marriage after all,” he noted.

The next day, Ron called Tina and she noticed the lameness in his voice. She sensed that something was wrong and so he admitted that indeed, he had changed his mind.

“Next time, kung hindi ka sigurado, wag mo na lang sabihin,” was all Tina could say.

Tina eventually married somebody else but she chose to keep Ron’s P18,000 engagement ring.

After his two-day engagement to Tina, Ron – a software developer – got hitched next to Betsy, his former high school classmate who’s now based in the US. They chanced upon each other again in the Internet and wasted no time in catching up on the good old days.

Soon, Ron found himself travelling to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania just to see her. ” I had this image of Betsy as the cute, brainy girl in high school whom I had a crush on. But it seemed the years had changed her. What greeted me in the airport was Betsy who had gained weight and was obviously older.”

Despite what he called his “shattered” illusion, Ron and Betsy had a great time touring sights in the US. They went to New York and as far away as California. Looking back, Ron considered it a bad enough omen that their last picture together during this trip was at the ill-fated World Trade Center.

In January 2001, it was Betsy’s turn to visit the Philippines. It was during this time that they made more concrete plans about their future together. “We agreed that we were not getting any younger. Sabi ko kay Betsy, kung gusto mo magpakasal na tayo.”

So, they had to squeeze in the little time that Betsy was in the Philippines to reserve the church, the hotel reception and the couturier. “We signed all the necessary papers and had to make a downpayment on the gowns, the food and the church.” Their wedding was set 11 months later.

Ron, in fact, was already considered part of Betsy’s family. He was already introduced to relatives as a “son-in-law.” Unbeknownst to their elders, Ron and Betsy were beginning to have conflicts that showed even in their emails to each other.

Betsy wanted the two of them to settle immediately in the US after the wedding but Ron had other plans. ” The most difficult thing I found hard to accept was her insistence that I go to the US without the necessary legal papers and without any work waiting for me there.” Ron interpreted Betsy’s actions as her way of controlling his life, and he thinks this contributed a lot in his eventually drifting away from her.

As the wedding approached , Betsy planed in to Manila with some of her relatives. Everyone became busy with the preparations and Ron hovered like a lost boy in the sideline with his muddled thoughts and lingering doubts.

“Two days before the wedding, I gathered enough courage to tell my parents that it wasn’t going to happen. My father was especially aghast. He wanted me to continue with the wedding. Kung gusto ko raw, hiwalayan ko na si Betsy the next day just to spare everyone the shame and the humiliation,” Ron recounted.

The morning after, Ron set a lunch date with Betsy and told her that he can’t keep their date at the altar. She was unbelieving and had a good cry.

I told her everything I felt inside and gave her three options: one, that we go on with the wedding but she should know that my feelings for her and our relationship had changed; two, that we postpone the wedding until such time that we feel it’s right; and three, that we cancel the wedding altogether.”

” Betsy, being the proud girl that she was, chose the third option. Soon, word got out to our entourage and they wasted no time in cursing and threatening me. On my part, I felt that a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulder. I could have chosen to stand her up on our wedding day but I didn’t,” Ron narrated.

Ron’s move proved to be expensive, time-consuming and emotionally-draining, but for him, it’s still the best decision of all.

He had to pay for the hotel, church and couturier. Add to this the constant ribbing he gets from friends about his “lost credibility.”

Ron hopes that after his bad experience, he won’t be a runaway groom for long.

” I still believe that marriage is a holy sacrament, a lasting bond between two people. I take after my parents who have been married for a good 30 years. When I see the right girl, I’ll just know she’s the right one.”

We sure hope the third time for Ron will be the last.

Postscript: It has been a few years since Ron shared his story with me over beer & oysters at Via Mare. The last time I heard, he was not yet married but living with someone.

The stereotype gay is the kind often depicted in local movies: screaming parlor fags; brooding, artistic types; and sexually adventurous ones who pick up young hustlers in Cubao or frequent seedy bars.

Another type of homosexual male chooses to stay in the closet for obvious reasons: being born male, his family and friends expect him to behave like one. He must appear dignified, manly, get married and raise a family at the right age.

A study entitled “Exploring the Homosexuality of Filipino Men in Heterosexual Unions” undertaken by Dr. Romeo Lee of the De La Salle University’s Behavioral Sciences Department showed that closet homosexuals were in love – surprisingly – with the woman they choose to marry at that time.

One respondent revealed: “She was the ideal woman. The first time I saw her, I don’t know.. I heard wedding bells. I fell in love with her instantly.”

The other reasons cited by the respondents for getting married were the pregnancy of their girlfriend, the desire to have a child of their own, and pressure from family and friends. Others believed that marriage would “cure ” their homosexuality, plus provide the bonus of having a regular companion for life. One philosophized that male-to-male relationships are primarily unstable.

“A (gay relationship) is not for life. The rule is that a woman should be with a woman,” one opined.

Those surveyed in the Lee study, with ages between 30 and 50 years old, noted that they did not see themselves as homosexuals before their heterosexual union for the reason that “they were more strongly attracted to women than to men.”

On the other hand, Lee stressed, “there were those who appeared quick and open in admitting that they had already recognized themselves as homosexuals before their union.” Then, there were also bisexuals who confessed to a sexual attraction to, and relationship, with both sexes.

The respondents were then asked: “What is in their homosexual experience that is not found in a heterosexual relationship?” Some of the answers were enlightening:

“With a man, you don’t have any fear. Nobody will get pregnant. With a woman, especially if you’re not married yet, you’re afraid of responsibilities.”

“It is different when a man performs oral sex on you than it is when a woman does it.”

“I am somewhat a narcissist, an exhibitionist. I like looking at myself in the mirror. Thus, if there is a man who is muscular, I can see myself in him and therefore, I will like him. I cannot see myself in a woman, di ba?”

“With men, both of you work to satisfy each other. With women, it can be one-sided.”

“One thing that a man does not experience with a woman is the so-called male-bonding.There is the buddy-buddy system. You are both lovers and friends.”

Did the wives or the live-in partners know that they were gay before or at the time of their union? Of the 15 respondents in the Lee study, “four had indicated that their spouses already had prior knowledge of their sexual identity and preferences because of their effeminate nature.”

It was revealed that “it was not only their partners who were aware of their homosexuality, but also their children, their own or their partner’s parents, and relatives.”

In comparison, seven other respondents said that their partners had an awareness of their homosexuality only after they lived together. The female partners found out about this indirectly due to persistent rumors, lack of sexual interest, physical mannerisms, the respondent’s open admiration of other men while their partners were around, and other men visiting at home.”

One respondent narrated: “My wife allows me because she can handle my having sexual relations with a man than with another woman. She allows me to go out, but of course, there are limits. Like the family comes first before anything else.”

Another respondent revealed: “Even if you’re gay or anything, as long as you earn, then you can do your role well as a husband and as a father.”

However, a couple’s relationship is perceived to suffer greatly as a result of the man’s sexual preference. One interviewee revealed that it was difficult for him to sustain his sexual attraction to his wife so that at times, he had to imagine himself having sex with a man.

On the average, respondents would have between one and five different male partners every month with whom they perform a variety of sexual acts.

As one respondent bared: ” On some occasions, I go home late because of my homosexual affair. I tell my family that I have to work overtime in the office. On Sundays, instead of spending time with my family, I go out and cruise for sexual partners. I feel that I cannot control myself and I am afraid that once my wife finds out, she would be unable to forgive me.”

“The fact that many men would exert considerable efforts in concealing their homsexual identity is understandable. One reason is that men are not likely to leave their fine home and the warm and loving atmosphere they have created for their wife and their children, especially in a setting where their homsexuality does not clash with their roles as economic and emotional providers, particularly to their children,” Dr. Lee said.

“Most probably, because of their need to preserve the status quo, some men pursued regular sexual relations with their wives to establish some semblance of things being all right and normal. Some experts call the set-up a double standard union,” he added.

“While it is not discounted that some men in this union are able to fulfill and derive satisfaction from their double-standard roles, there is some doubt about whether others will be able to keep and sustain a physically and psychologically healthy balance between the demands of their heterosexual and homsexual relations. How far can these men go on with their double-standard life is one key question for substantive research,” Dr. Lee concluded.

I ask this now as an impartial bystander who has to contend with impatient complaints from my friends about their marriages, how routine the sex life has become (if it ever exists at all), how tempting the idea of an illicit affair is, or how earth-shaking it is, if it’s in full steam already.

I hear gnawing disillusionments from my friends who are fed up with being tied down to the home, the kids and a spouse which they think is constricting them than letting them bloom free. “I’ve fallen out of love,” a couple of pals have told me, “but my partner just won’t let go! ” C says “the love died” two years ago and these days, she says ” I only fuck him when I need to.” D still lives with hubby and kids in their house because the former, a devout Christian, doesn’t believe in divorces or separations. In truth, she already has a boyfriend from work who she sometimes visits in the house. Hubby doesn’t know of course.

There is P, who claims to be in love with her hubby Z, but is in truth seeing her old boyfriend who buys her material comforts. And my married male Filipino friends who never fail to tell me colorful stories about their latest conquests. One has even kept an affair going for 10 years without the wifey knowing it.

A week ago, somebody told me that “the best relationship is an open relationship.” And what is that, I query? “It’s when you’re free to see other people but at the end of the day you’re still together.” Well of course this was the same person who told me that the “swinging scene” is well and alive in Manila, in the enclaves of our so-called rich and famous. The New Monogamy is probably something we just don’t read about, it’s a living breathing phenomenon.

All these things make me wonder if marriage is becoming a farce in this day and age, especially in country which seemingly turns a blind eye on infidelity and stubbornly refuses to enforce a definitive law on divorce. In this borderless world, is marriage as an institution facing extinction? Is love that is loyal, lasting and true still possible in this day and age?

I wish I can tell my friends what to do, especially if your lament is a husband who is ‘no good’ in bed. It is true that we can choose our friends but it is hard to dump our husbands once we choose them and make the mistake of not letting them undergo rigid quality control, especially one that can pass the test of time.

Toughest of all, how do you deal with an issue like falling out of love? In our grandparents’ time, you had to stick it out with your partner for better or for worse and do what you can to keep the flame a-burning at all cost. It was easier said than done.

I believe that a woman in an unhappy marriage must weigh all things carefully and set her priorities clear, then learn to live with the consequences of her decision. The situation is no better for a woman who stays because she has no adequate means of income as it is for another who is able to achieve her independence but nonetheless faces all the lonely nights ahead.

We have to come down from our ivory tower and stop aspiring for our ideal love. There is no such thing. Relationships take a lot of hard work, not to mention commitment and acceptance. Sometimes you have no choice but to leave it to prayers and fate. We have to accept that human relationships are dynamic and forever changing. As bestselling author Leo Buscaglia would say, “we have to recognize their temporary quality, but continue to act as if they’re permanent.”

Having said all these, you may ask me if I still believe in love. Of course I do. I had to lose it several times to recognize its real value.

Because am an egalitarian bitch (babe in total control of herself), it’s only fair that we give men the chance to air their gripes about us. Gather a roomful of men, give them beer and chips, and here’s what they’ll have to answer about post below:

1. They take an eternity dressing up.
2. They take an eternity putting on make-up.
3. They take an eternity to shop.
4. When they shop, they like everything they see.
5. They’re so beauty-conscious.
6. They’ve tried every beauty product/hair treatment/slimming pill on the market.
7. They are perpetually on a diet.
8. Pero may bilbil pa rin.
9. They brush their hair more than the required 100 strokes per day.
10. They look in the mirror all the time
11. They always fish for compliments from us.
12. They are not content with the compliments we give them.
13. They’re obsessive-compulsive about keeping things in their proper place.
14. They leave their what-have-you lying around.
15.They’re overly attached to gossip & entertainment talk shows.
16. Not to mention mushy Korean soap operas.
17.They try to save for their breast augmentation/ liposuction even if it’s beyond their means.
18. They give you gifts they would like to receive themselves.
19. They talk to their girl friends on the phone for too long.
20. When they are with their girl friends, they go to the rest room in droves.
21. They text shamelessly while on dates.
22. With matching pa-picture on their camera phones.
23. They wear too much make-up.
24. They wear too many frilly dresses.
25. When they wear accessories, it looks like they’re carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders.
26. They over-analyze things.
27. They have not gotten rid of their pa-cute, colegiala accent.
28.They giggle a lot/laugh too loud.
29. They’re fickle and indecisive.
30. They’re sometimes too clingy it leaves us breathless.
31. They “imagine” too much.
32. They cry too easily.
33. When they drive, it looks like they left their IQ in the garage.
34. When we drive, they scream in total exaggeration.
35. They’re proud in proclaiming themselves to be virgins.
36. They proud in claiming themselves to be virgins.
37. They think it’s yucky to smoke from icky-looking pipes.
38. They think it’s even worse to swallow the leaks from icky-looking pipes.
39. They just lie there and do nothing.
40. When they’re horny, they’re the best, most beautiful lover in the whole world.

Yebaa!

Hehe…

1. They forget appointments.
2. They don’t notice your haircut.
3. They leave their socks lying around.
4. They can be so obsessive-compulsive about keeping things in their proper place.
5. They are more figure- and beauty-conscious than you.
6. They eat only fresh banana and muesli for breakfast.
7. They have the guts to say: “I think you should get a liposuction.”
8. They eat like a pig.
9. They snore.
10. All they do is watch television.
11. They gawk at women with big breasts.
12. They laugh at women with big breasts and no butt.
13. Admittedly, they are more tsismoso than women.
14. They chat too much.
15. They’re such cheapskates they only send you text messages through YM and Chikka.
16. They pick the wrong gifts.
17. But still you are forced to say “My! This is the loveliest piece of (shit) I’ve ever seen!”
18. Their idea of unwinding after a long day is a bottle of beer…in a beerhouse.
19. Their idea of fashion is orange polo shirt over jeans and rubber shoes.
20. They’re so finicky they don’t want a single crease on their pants.
21. They wear colored underwear… as in purple and green
22. They can’t sit still without looking at their cellphone for 10 minutes.
23. They text shamelessly on dates.
24. They keep pictures of their wives/girlfriends in their wallets while openly philandering.
25. They call every girl “sweetheart” and “my dear.”
26. They send you emails meant for someone else.
27. They’re such lousy performers in bed.
28. They’re such goood performers in bed but won’t commit.
29. They forget they don’t stand a chance with Diana Zubiri.
30. They’re so obsessed with the eighteeners and twenty-somethings.
31. They won’t do housework.
32. They play music too loud.
33. They drive too fast.
34. They believe their secretaries more than you.
35. They abhor shopping.
36. They shop with you without giving you the shopping money.
37. They boast about bedding so many women when their dicks are so small, it won’t even fit a gas tank.
38. They like you to go down on them without them going down on you.
39. They think you will be so crazy about them when they go down on you.
40. They expect you to be like their mother.
41. They make fun of women-drivers.
43. They are work-obsessed.
44. They kiss and tell.
45. They have no qualms looking at other women while with you.
46. They have to hang out with their male buddies on Friday nights.
47. They talk about sports all the time.
48. Sometimes, they are too silent. They take the phrase “man of few words to the extreme.”
49. All they want is sex.
50. They are so dense. Case in point: an ex who read this entry asked me: “hindi naman ako ganon di ba?”

SUSME!

*** With apologies to the smug-marrieds and my happily-married/committed friends who wholeheartedly believe in the love & eternity stuff. Of course, am just acting like a pretentious/hypocritical git. *sigh* I need someone…preferably none of the above.

LOL.

My friend Gay says I should watch Under the Tuscan Sun. Short of saying that it befits me, she says that it’s about a writer (Diane Lane) who’s had a string of failed relationships and then meets her very own Prince Charming who lived with her happily ever after.

Of course I can only give Gay my traditional eyeroll. At this point in time, am not really the most rabid disciple of love. The last time I thought I fell in love, I was 90 per cent sure it wasn’t. I was just in love with the idea of being in love and all its thousand possibilities. But human nature has its frailties and it was bound to hurt me in one way or another.

Gay says I had become a complete cynic. She noted this after Crush of the Moment (COTM)complained in front of her that he has invited me to dinner a few times and that I had not replied in the affirmative. I told her why should I? Even though he was my COTM, there were a few reasons not to, among them his being very busy and the fact that he has a girl. Therefore, he was only bound to break my heart.

I must admit that my careful attitude these days is shaped by reading Dr. Barbara de Angelis. Klarisse had given her books to me soon after she found out that her bigamous husband was married to other women (yes, that’s a plural) . At that stage, she was disgusted about love and thought it better to bequeath her titles to me, namely: Secrets about Life Every Woman Should Know, How To Make Love All the Time, and my favorite, Are You The One For Me?

Anyway, I get a kick out of reading de Angelis’ articles such as Why We Choose the People We Love, Falling In Love for All The Wrong Reasons, Six Qualities To Look For In a Mate… and all that stuff.

Being in this blissfully unattached state, I thought there’s no better time to digest something which will guide me in my next choice of a mate… unless of course am bound to be the love loser that I am. I have to admit I am pretty impulsive when it comes to love and no amount of advice or admonition can already get to me when I am in the throes of passion. Therefore, it really needs to be grilled in my head that I have to be rational and discerning instead of investing too much of my heart.

Anyway, I do agree with de Angelis about the Six Biggest Mistakes People Make in the Beginning of a Relationship (and I thought it would be good to share it here):

1. We don’t ask enough questions.
2. We ignore warning signs of potential problems.
3. We make premature compromises.
4. We give in to Lust Blindness.
5. We give in to material seduction
6. We put commitment before compatibility.

In her own opinion, she also states the Ten Types of Relationships That Won’t Work:

1. You care more about your partner than he does about you.
2. Your partner cares more about you than you do about him.
3. You are in love with your partner’s potential.
4. You are on a rescue mission.
5. You look up to your partner as a role model.
6. You are infatuated with your partner for external reasons.
7. You have partial compatibility.
8. You choose a partner in order to be rebellious.
9.You choose a partner as a reaction to a previous partner.
10. Your partner is unavailable.

When is a partner considered “unavailable???”

* with someone, but promises to leave soon
* with someone, but he doesn’t really love her
*with someone, but they’re not having sex anymore
*with someone, but says he’s just staying for the kids
*with someone, but she knows about you and it’s all right
*with someone and isn’t leaving, but wants you to stick around anyway
* just left someone, but might be going back.

I texted American Lawyer on impulse last Saturday. He’s supposed to be a milestone in my dating calendar since I hadn’t met him through a chatroom, Friendster, blind date or my usual circle of acquaintances. He just sort of came up from behind me while I was in a computer store and gave me his calling card, like a casting agent would. It turned out we were almost neighbors.

Me : I am so bored and you are such a Republican snob.
Him: Hi! I just got back from L.A. I am bored too. An RX would be a live jazz session at Monk’s Dream or dancing at Vmar? Care to meet up later?
Me : A Republican-Dem reunion would be great but I don’t know any of those places. Where are they???
Him: Monk’s Dream is at Somerset Olympia Towers in Makati Avenue and Vmar is on Airport Road Pnque. Which one would you like?
Me : I think I prefer the jazz bar.
Him : Sounds great. Shall I see you around 9 at the lobby?
Me : Ok.

There was hardly anyone at Monk’s Dream that night but the musicality of the quartet playing was simply brilliant.I don’t ever remember listening to jazz live except on my CD player but this one was certainly a welcome experience. In the meantime, I had to keep up with A.L. who was talking like an encyclopedia over our big bento dinner. I also had fun discovering the songs of Miles Davis, Herbie Hancock, Kevyn Lettau, Wayne Shorter and the Beatles (A Fool on the Hill, anyone?) My current favorite is now the Goo Goo Dolls’ Iris which the quartet played with gusto that night:

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
‘Cause sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

Lest my friends misconstrue me (again) I am not in love with A.L. I have never been with anyone where no sparks flew on the first two dates. But certainly I do want to keep him as a friend for several reasons:

1. A.L. does not ever say negative things about Filipinos. When I voiced out my opinion about Manila not being a safe place because of several things that happened to my friends, he would even say “Oh, the racial tension in L.A. is worse.” And this is a good thing since bigots freak me out, having encountered jerks living in countries near the Mediterranean.

2. A. L. is the perfect gentleman. He’s never made any advances, opens doors and pulls out the chair. Yes, even the most rabid feminist would like to feel, and be treated like, a lady sometimes.

3. A.L. chooses good restaurants.

4. A.L.is trim and has got a good mop on his head.

That’s just about it for now

*grin*

My online friend Paul, a surfer from Hawaii in search of an Asian woman to settle down with, is aghast at the fact that he keeps on falling for fag hags in cyberspace.

He doesn’t know it until somebody tells him they are.

Paul tells me the first time, the girl he was seriously chatting with, turned up on this site.

Last week, he excitedly tells me, there’s a new girl he’s fond of who comes from Southern Philippines and “is really good-looking.”

He sends me the pics (I am glad to be a juror of his choices)and as soon as it downloads, I study it and say “uh-oh….nooooh…gay!”

He’s downhearted. Apparently, I am the second person to tell him this.

“How do you know???,” he asks in desperation.

“I just know!,” was my reply. “..from seeing all the fags in Manila. They can even be prettier than us, real women. And the picture is soooo contrived,” I said in reference to her studio shot which was in pink background.She was wearing a pink hat, red bra, and short pink skirt. Even then, there was something about her that screamed formerly masculine.

I tried to console Paul and told him, “but then I could be wrong. Find out for yourself.”

“Well for sure, I don’t want somebody with a dick between his legs,” he replies.

As of the latest, he tells me that he’s trying this Thai website with “really lovely Thai women.”I keep quiet and just mumble something about having cultural and language barriers. Knowing Paul’s penchant for stumbling into gays, I don’t tell him the little-known fact that Bangkok is the sex change capital of the world.

I have to admit: there was a time when the personals fascinated me and got excited with the fact that suddenly, there were all these guys writing me from out of nowhere. But now the novelty has worn off and I am leading my life the way it is.Judging from Paul’s experience as well as some of my friends’, I am now of the opinion that advertising your availability in cyberspace is like asking for punishment. The Capital One.

In fairness, I have gained a lot of friends in cyberbia, quality ones. But one shouldn’t delude oneself that you could fight Mr. Right on YM or the Manila Channel. You have to be grounded on the fact that internet friendships are at best, transitory. Have fun if you want to have fun, but don’t expect l-o-v-e to be written across your computer screen.It is true that people embark on net romances but it is still hard work. Long distance relationships are not for everybody. If you are comfortable hugging your stuffed teddy bear at night instead of a warm body, or if you are okay with the faraway concept of commitment because after all, you hate it when somebody is breathing down your neck every second and minute of your waking life, then by all means do it.

I do agree with an article I read once that the internet is going to change the modern concept of monogamy. You can glean it from all these reports about marriages breaking up because of the Net thing. For how can you be monogamous when you can meet and chat with people in just one click and those E-greetings say “Send the Same Card to Somebody Else?”

Technology has enabled mankind to communicate at the speed of thought and to network with people from far and wide. On the other hand, it has also opened us to the grave dangers of the net, in the process, taking away the things that really matter such as honesty. My mother was probably right when she said: “If you want a man, buy a dog.”